Parenting (8 to 14 years) - Sheikh Vinay Khetia

Continuing on from yesterday, here is the advice for parenting older children…

Parenting in the second stage (8 to 14):

As well as stories mentioned above, introduce ahadith to them so they earn the maxims of the Ahlul Bayt.

Problems with kids:
– Be aware that they are undergoing physical/emotional changes – no longer innocent!
– Problem in today’s society is the sexualisation of children at younger and younger ages.
– Kids feel unloved – parents may be loved but this is not necessarily communicated or perceived
– The way couples talk to each other, argue, even looks/glares – can confuse a child, or they feel guilty/responsible
– They misbehave because they’re missing something at home, not because they want to
– Phones, social media and other influences means greater likelihood of anxiety/depression, body image issues, for girls signs of these start from 11 years and for boys from 15 years
– Materialistic society

Help them by:
– TIME needs to be spent with them, not gifts
-If gifts, make the wait. Give on Eids/wiladats
– Always remind them Allah, Ahlul Bayt and parents love them
– Parents need to protect children from issues between them. They should ideally not even hear this when asleep.
– We are all humans, sinful, make mistakes – but we need to acknowledge and address and amend this
– It may be hard to believe that our children have done wrong, but at some point or the other our child will be the wrong one, and therefore parents have to be just and have adalah when dealing with them.
-Delay devices, and if devices, no data/delay social media. No phones allowed in bedroom.

Positive parenting:
-They should love you and fear displeasing you, not fear your anger.
-Anger shouldn’t be so much they they lose hope in your forgiveness.
-Don’t hit kids – discouraged my ulema, you cannot leave a mark and it doesn’t even work!

Advice from Ulema:
never humiliate in public – a child is honoured by Allah, we should never take their izzah away
 go to Maroof not Munkar – if we need to teach, do it positively (as above). Munkar only if they have gone too far and have displeased Allah and His Messenger (it’s not about pleasing the parents but about pleasing Allah!). Let them feel guilt towards Allah – there are ahadith about when parents are diespleased, Allah is displeased and children cannot enter Jannah.
– go to Allah first (Hadith)
teach them empathy – to feel the pain of others. Devices etc prevent that as you can hide behind the screen. Sidenote: selfie is borderline haram (from an akhlaqi perspective)! Hadith: 3 things shall destroy Insaan, one of them is self-admiration

Teaching Boys:
-Husbands (or other father figure) talking to boys by age 12 about sexuality (Janabah, istibra, ihtilam), haya, respect of women – need for candid conversations.
-Mums/sisters to dress appropriately – they are not our baby anymore!
-Encourage looking their best/clean – again use examples from Prophet’s life (he always used to look in bowl of water, brush his hair/beard, apply fragrance, etc)

Teaching girls:
-Teach haya at 6-7 years for girls positively – Allah has honoured you!
-Teach your older girls B.Fatima (sa)’s Hadith on sexuality. A woman’s sexuality (eyes/voice) is very powerful – can be a tool for incredible change but also own undoing.
– Every good thing comes with a possible negative one
-Oyster shell analogy when explaining hijaab

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